Number 23: Do Stand-up Comedy

Funny things happen to me fairly often, and I can be quick and snappy when challenged to a banter-off with a cute boy. I'm also pretty decent at sketch comedy... But to take that and put it into some sort of structured act is harder than it seems. So, this was one of those "I can make a total ass out of myself here" challenges. And those challenges are the most interesting ones, I've found. The ones where I have to expand who I know myself to be, and as a result, end up learning the most about myself.

Charlotte and Francine, two retired whores

My friend Karen Forman, my side-kick in the popular "Two retired whores applying for a business loan at Wells Fargo" sketch graciously invited me to do my act at The Jive Joint, which is a crazy mix of creative performances by some strangely talented people, hosted by Karen's Street Theatre Troupe Suddenly Dapper. The Jive Joint has a new home, in a huge and cool loft space downtown, in a bit of a dubious area. I say dubious because my iPhone told me to "Use Caution" when I got walking directions from where I had parked.

As preparation for this challenge, I tried telling some jokes around town, but I quickly discovered I'm terrible at that. It's not that I can't remember the punch line, it's that when I get to it, I start to laugh because it's so funny. And so there I am, laughing really hard, tears streaming down my face...and I just can't get it out. Of course, when I finally get the punch line out, it's not funny at all, because at this point, the person I'm telling the joke to has watched me almost pee my pants for minutes, which insinuates that it's the funniest joke in the world.

Next, I went into my "funny" diary. I started it when I was in India with Radha. Every once in a while I would say something that would make Radha laugh uncontrollably, or we'd have a weirdly funny dialogue and she would insist on my writing it down. God bless her for making me do that because I've kept doing it with her and other friends, and I've already used funny lines in scripts I've written. Here's one of my favorites, from a recent chat:

"He’s fat and he’s got hair everywhere. But I kind of like that."

"Really?"

"Yeah…I’ve always had this fantasy of being fucked by Harvey Weinstein."

"Please don’t do that while I’m eating."

"What?"

"Talk about fucking Harvey Weinstein."

"Ok, fine. Tell me about your new love interest."

"He's nice but I think he’s too pretty."

"For what?"

"It makes me feel fat and ugly when I’m with someone really pretty."

"I was with someone fat and ugly and I still felt fat and ugly."

"Was it Harvey Weinstein?"

Unfortunately, a lot of it is dialogue, but I found one story I could use. Someone had said humiliation is funny so I opted to tell the ultimate humiliation story. I went up after some improv, ukulele playing, hoola hooping and juggling, and grabbed the microphone.

The story I told was about when I decided to tell a boy I liked him. "Joe Smith" had been "secretly" in love with me for years, so it was one of those safe bets. Or so I thought. I called him up and then it turned bad. I guess since I last checked, he had met someone new and now liked them instead. As I'm listening to him letting me down easy, I decide to text my friend Francesca about the whole thing. A bit of a crude text. A few seconds later, he asks "did you just text me?" Then he proceeded to read the text meant for Francesca, back to me on the phone. The one about him liking some whore now...and me feeling like a loser and wanting to die.

It turns out people do think humiliation is funny because there were a lot of laughs. I had a couple of other bits I had worked on that also demonstrate my awkwardness in the area of romance and that were equally humiliating, but decided to go straight for my final bit and quit while I was ahead. I had to pause after my initial; "so, I was having anal with my boyfriend the other day," because people were laughing quite loudly. I go on to explain that it's really not a bit...I really just wanted people to know that A. I have a boyfriend, and B. I do anal. And then I get into the nuts and bolts of anal sex, which I won't repeat here.

It wasn't fun at all before I went up, in fact, I wanted to throw up, go home and forget about the whole thing. I had only invited a few friends because I honestly didn't know how it would go. Once I was up there talking, it was actually fun and I was happy and relaxed. I don't think it's something I'll do again, but all in all, a solid uncomfortable experience. I suppose what I learned was that I can be funny in a stand-up way after all. But I must say I prefer other ways, simply because the whole anxiety thing beforehand is a pain in the ass. Pun intended.

Thanks to Guy for inspiring the second bit, to Radha, Cliff and Karen for letting me rehearse with them, to my sweet friends who showed up and laughed; Cliff (Number 13: Skydive,) John (Number 15: Run a 5K & 19: Pea Soup Andersen's,) James (Number 3: Read 5 Foreign Books,) Zoe (Number 7: Go to Prom) and Andrea (Number 11: Take a Hip Hop Class.)

Most of all, thanks to Karen Forman and her lovely and talented crew for letting me soil their Thursday night gig ever so slightly, with a bit of anal.