Number 34: Do Something Kinky and X-Rated

   Hmmm. Ok. How do I write about this while maintaining dignity and respect? Without offending those of you who so generously offered to "help" with this one? Without embarrassing my family? I actually toyed with the idea of just pretending I never did this one. BUT, this is my project and although I didn't imagine sharing every detail about it on the internet when I first started...this one happened. And it's on the list. So here it is. One of the shorter blogs I'll write for the Forty By Forty project. 

    I'm fairly liberal when it comes to sex. And no, that is not the same thing as having a string of one-night stands, or a different lover every night. To me, being liberal means not thinking sex is bad or shameful, and being open to exploring all of its different aspects. It's meant to be fun, not serious. As long as you practice safe sex.  

   There were a few things I thought I might want do for this one. With someone who is charming and sexy and has a devious mind. Someone who I trust with my own somewhat devious mind. If you are racking your brain trying to figure this one out, you might as well give up. Because it could have happened last night. Or last week. Or even six months ago. My lips are sealed so don't bother with that inquisitive text. It's in the vault.  

   There were some texts sent back and forth, making it clear that nothing was off limits, and everything was possible. "Anything?" I asked. "Anything," he replied instantly. My mind excitedly started to imagine various options and I was quite relieved about the whole thing, until a few minutes later, when the next text arrived inquiring as to what I wanted to do. Oh wait, I now have to ask for what I want? Shit. I texted back. "What if you say no?" Another quick reply, "I'll say yes." I froze. 

   And there it was. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I considered texting back saying, "Thank you, but I'm just going to take an Argentine Tango lesson instead." Then I pondered not texting back at all. Ever. Like, what if I just never replied and then disconnected my phone? I stopped for a minute and just "watched" my mind come up with grand and complicated excuses. Then I became fascinated by what was happening in my mind, and interested in why I was so confronted and uncomfortable. I couldn't believe I was having such an issue with this, being someone who communicates quite freely. I was stunned.

     And so was he, it seemed. He was now curious as to why I couldn't just text it, since I'm fairly relaxed about sex. And I couldn't come up with a good reason because I honestly didn't know. It took me two days to text back my desire for this challenge. And when I did, I almost threw up waiting for the response. Longest hour in history. Of course his reply was "yes." 

    It turned out that the challenge with this task wasn't the actual doing, but the communicating about it. It was interesting, confronting and eye-opening. The conclusion I came to was that although nothing makes me feel better than doing things for others, I'm uncomfortable being at the receiving end of compliments, gifts and "experiences." I have to make an effort to be gracious and appreciative when friends give me things, or do nice things for me. It's not because I'm not thankful, but because when someone does something kind and generous for me, it makes me vulnerable, and quite moved. And the thing is, I don't mind being vulnerable or moved...I just want to control when it's going to happen...

    So for this task, I learned how to let go and receive. I learned how to ask for something I want, and be happy and appreciative when I got it. I was even able to say what the other options that had lingered in my mind were. To which his response was, "we can do them all, you know?" And that's all I have to say about that. I learned so much from this, it blew my mind. And it wasn't like the thing itself wasn't mind-blowing. Because it was. Really.

   Thanks, W.

 

Comments

[Melody Jackson]

Awesome post, Marika. I love your writing style. Congrats on such a fun, great blog!

Melody Jackson
www.SmartG.com

[Kristin Fieldhouse]

I love your blog :) I found you accidentally through a friend.

Thanks for the inspiration! You are a great writer and a wonderful soul. I'm going to AFI this year and I hope to follow your adventures online whilst I work my but off!

Wishing you all the happiness and success you deserve.
K

[LaShawn]

You totally should have called me for this one!