I'm no Mona Lisa. And Todd Stolarski is no Da Vinci. But he is a good artist in his own right, with a distinct and unique way of expressing himself artistically. I've seen many of his photographs and other pieces, and they all have something distinctly interesting. So, without really thinking too much about it, I asked him if he'd paint my portrait.
When he asked me what I had in mind for this experience, I realized I hadn't thought too much about it. So we talked, and what I came up with was something like wanting to capture this time...the way I am now, in the midst of this project which has been so euphoric, being almost forty. Then I went a bit further in my thinking and discovered there was more to it. It was about someone else's interpretation of me. I see myself in a particular way, and I thought it would be interesting to see how others, i.e. Todd sees me. I remember wanting to add, "as long as you make me look beautiful," but I didn't.
Todd and I worked on the Fincher film "Zodiac" together. He was the second A.D. and I remember him being fun, super cool, and smoking all the time. When I arrived for my first day of interning at Brothers & Sisters last year, he was the first person I ran into, and it was a happy reunion. I spent a lot of my Brothers & Sisters time on his couch, catching up, having lunch, and listening to music. Miss those days. Todd was also one of the organizers of the Prom (Number 7: Go to Prom) I attended. You know, the one where I wasn't crowned Prom Queen...
We made plans for me to come to his apartment and when I got there he had set everything up perfectly. He'd arranged his couch, I got my beverage of choice, there was cool music on, and a robe hanging in the bathroom. Although he always referred to it as a kimono. He's a class act, that Todd Stolarski.
There was that awkward first moment, when I took the robe off. I wanted to say "don't look at me" but that would defeat the whole purpose, and make it impossible for him to do his job. So for a couple of minutes I had some random thoughts go through my head, while Todd stared at my naked body. Then it settled. I got comfortable on the couch, and actually relaxed. He was the ultimate professional about the whole thing, although there were a couple of times when he seemed to take his "artist hat" off to give me a nice compliment about my body...in the context of it having been around for forty years...which isn't necessarily unprofessional...just smart, if you want your subject to relax and feel good. And that I did.
As a profession, or even just a general past time, nude modeling is sort of overrated. You sit there, you can't move unless you get permission, so your body gets stiff. You can't really talk, because the artist has to have quiet, so they can focus. At least Todd does. So, for the most part, I was on my own. I found scrabble on the iPhone the perfect thing to do, as long as he didn't need to see my hands. What was funny about that was, I was mostly playing with the Burgers & Sisters crew, none of who were aware I was playing naked on Todd's couch.
The other thing I discovered being nude, that you don't really notice or think about when you have clothes on, is that there are constant temperature changes in every environment. Todd's apartment is no exception, and when you're naked, that has a certain effect on you. Hard nipples. Soft nipples. Hard nipples. Soft nipples. And on it went. The first few times, it was awkward and I hoped Todd wouldn't notice. Then I remembered that for Number 5: Take an Art Class, our nude model Chris seemed to have the same issue with his, ahem, privates, so in my mind, I sorted it under things that are normal in the nude modeling world, and relaxed.
On the day of my birthday, I got an email from Todd, asking where the finished piece of art should be delivered, and I said to bring it to the Forty By Forty party. Todd said he preferred it if I saw it first, so I told him to have it dropped off at my apartment, since either Linda or I would be there for most of the day. Then I forgot all about it, until I came home after a busy day, to get ready for Jumbo's Clown Room. There it sat, nicely wrapped, in my living room. I asked Andrew to tear it open, which he did while I put on the obligatory fish nets, stripper heels etc.
I yelled "what's it like?" from the bedroom and got no reply. Oh, fuck. Then I realized Andrew hadn't heard me. So I yelled again and he replied, "it's cool...it's really modern." I ran into the living room and saw it. It made me happy instantly. It was not at all what I had expected, but then, I hadn't really expected anything. Which for me is quite an achievement in itself, since I'm known to have high expectations.
Here it is, painted on a piece of wood that Todd found, which is a very Todd thing to do, and which gives it a very cool, grainy texture. I love it. I think it's beautiful. It's unique, and it has an interesting modern look to it. He's captured the way I feel. Like, there's a lightness about this woman... This is the Forty By Forty Marika, and I feel very honored and proud to have been immortalized in this way, by Mr. Stolarski. A mere thank you doesn't seem enough, I really am quite moved, not just by the experience but by the finished piece. Thank you, Todd.