My First Husband

   There has been a big demand for this one, so instead of saving it until the very last moment, like I did with the most confronting tasks in Forty by Forty, I thought I would get it over with early on. I thought writing about my first husband, the person, would be better than writing about my first marriage or my first wedding, which were also demands/suggestions/requests, because I wouldn't really have to go into the nuts and bolts of my separation and subsequent divorce.

    I'm not sure it's grammatically right to blog about my first husband since I don't have a second husband, and it's entirely possible that I won't. Not because I'm cynical and don't believe in love, but having been married, I've come to understand and believe that it isn't necessary to be married in order to have a passionate, honest and fulfilling relationship that lasts. The thought of being eternally engaged strikes me as much more interesting and romantic. 

   But let's get to it. Here he is. My first husband. Richard Gerety Condon. Born in Chicago, the same year as the state of Israel and my mother, 1948. I know. That makes him super old. 22 years my senior. But Mr. Condon was, and is, youthful, fit, handsome, extremely funny, and an extraordinary man. 

Richard at the far left with fellow "Fat Jack" band members in the late sixties

     Before we met, Richard had already had a full and exciting life. He had been the drummer for two bands in the late sixties and early seventies in Seattle; "Fat Jack" and "Kiss Porky" (the latter of course lending itself to all kinds of puns in our relationship...depending on which of us was most overweight at the moment.) One of his bands was hired to be the house band at a local arena and subsequently, Richard's band ended up being the opening act for bands like "The Grateful Dead," "Country Joe and The Fish" and "The Doors."

    Eventually, (and I'm skipping a lot of years here) after running a few marathons and spending some time as a restauranteur - he and identical twin brother Michael opened the first vegan restaurant in Seattle in the eighties - he became involved in Landmark Education and has lead transformational programs there for over twenty years.

    I participated in their first program, The Landmark Forum, in 1997, and I truly believe it is one of the things that makes me a somewhat insightful, open, well balanced and generally happy individual, with not a whole lot of baggage, as the program completes whatever is incomplete in your past and your life in general. 

    We'd run into each other and when we did, Richard would say "we should have a drink sometime," and I would say "sure." This went on for months until I one day said "are we ever going to have that drink, because if not, we should just stop saying it..." We made plans for the next night.

    On our first date we went to see "The Battle of Algiers," and Richard was surprised to find I knew something about the conflict between Algeria and its French Colonial rulers, probably on account of my blonde hair. Afterwords, he couldn't find his parking ticket but instead of getting irritated about it, making the long line of cars back up so he could look through the car, find the ticket, go upstairs to validate it and come back, he just paid the $30 for a lost ticket and we left. On the off chances that I was hungry, he had already made reservations at AOC, coinciding with the end of the movie, plus driving time.

    Having dated mostly men my age and younger, this was a refreshing experience. Someone was handling things like a grown-up, so not your usual indecisive and juvenile type banter of "what do you wanna do tonight?" "I dunno... what do you wanna do?" "I dunno, what's around here?" etc. I'm not against the feminist movement by any means, but I do believe in traditional gender roles and nothing irks me more than a wishy-washy, reluctant man who doesn't take charge.  

    Richard spent the night, but I didn't want to admit to having condoms right there in my bedside table drawer, so we didn't have sex. I had been told it was a sign of promiscuity to have condoms, when in fact, it's really just a sign that you practice safe sex. In the morning, his car had been ticketed, which prompted me to announce that it had been worth $35 to fool around with him, tucking the ticket in my purse. He asked me what I was doing that night. Then the next night. And the next night. And the rest is history. 

    Although we might have fallen short in the "staying married" department, Richard and I did many things well together. We communicated openly and honestly with each other. About everything. It wasn't always easy, but it was something we were both committed to, and as a result, a lot of stuff got worked out for us as individuals and as a couple. We bought a house in Ojai that was in complete shambles, moved there, and made it the most peaceful and beautiful place imaginable. It wasn't easy; it took a lot of time, effort, energy and money, but the end result made it all worth it. 

    If one of us had a rough day, we would take the motorcycle out for a ride; riding it through dirt roads and quiet highways around Ojai would solve everything. It was a 1969 BMW R-69S and its vintage coolness factor legitimized us at both shabby motorcycle bars and finer establishments. I had my own 60's looking helmet, and a separate seat in the back with a leather strap to hold on to, like a real cowboy.      

               

        We traveled a lot together, which was big for me because I usually prefer traveling by myself. I need space and alone time, and find it hard to be around people for long periods of time, even though I love them madly. In Richard I found someone who wasn't offended if I wanted to go off on my own for an hour or two, or take a nap while he went on a walkabout. We both loved active trips to bustling cities in challenging weather, as much as sunny, exotic, read by-the-pool trips, so during the years we spent together, we did plenty of both.  

    We went to London, Stockholm & Helsingborg, Paris & Themines, Maui, Tahiti, Cabo and India together. And a bunch of places in the US. If it was possible to take trains, buses, subways, or ride bikes where we went, it made our trips even more fun, as we are both huge fans of public transportation. Every time we left a place we would take a picture of us with super sad faces that the vacation was over. Funny stuff.

    During one of our trips to Paris, Richard accidentally smacked me on the lip with an umbrella and as I started bleeding, I decided to indulge my flair for drama, and milked it for all it was worth for the rest of the trip. I even went so far as to make a small print of the above photo and taped it to the inside of his wallet. So he would remember to be nice to his little wife, whom he had punched in the face right outside the Louvre. 

    Richard made me laugh, but mostly, he made me laugh at myself, and that is one of the biggest things I learned from him; to be less significant and rigorous, to laugh and let go of things. I can be pretty uptight, and have a hard time with change of any kind; change of plans, change of minds, change of schedules. One day in Ojai, I had been particularly uptight, and he teased me about it, so when he walked outside for a minute, I locked him out of the house to get back at him.

    He quickly ran around to the backdoor, but I managed to get there a few seconds before him, and locked it. He yelled through the door that I'd be in big trouble when he got in, but I kept him out there for a bit, until he slid a window open and climbed through it. He chased me around the house and when he caught me, he promptly picked me up and announced I was going in the pool. Which doesn't sound that awful, except for it wasn't summer, and the pool wasn't heated. I struggled but couldn't get free.

    The whole way over to the pool (it was across a pretty big lawn) I tried to talk him out of it, but no matter what I said, he wouldn't listen. I told him how expensive my shoes were, that my watch wasn't water proof, that I was getting a cold, etc. but he didn't care. I wanted to seem angry, and have a straight face, so he would take me seriously, but I couldn't because the whole situation was so funny, and I knew that regardless of what I said, I would be going in the pool. So I laughed in between the pleadings/bribes/threats. As did he. And I ended up in the pool, fully clothed. And when he gave me his hand to help me out, I obviously pulled him in...

    Richard respected and loved my family, and although we didn't have a Jewish wedding ceremony, he wore a yarmulke during it, to honor them, my heritage and religion. Between the two of us, we had nine brothers and during our wedding festivities found that they connected really sweetly with each other, across blood lines. Richard still lets me "share" his cool Uncle Pete, although we are officially divorced as of last December. 

    Someone recently asked me if I regret getting married. Tricky question because although it would have been great to have been spared the heart ache and pain that we both went through when our marriage ended, there are so many things I wouldn't have learned or experienced if I hadn't been married to Richard. About myself, about relationships, and about marriage in general. And I wouldn't have applied to the AFI had it not been for his encouragement, and that's worth more than words can express. 

    I wasn't a "bridezilla" by any means, and put our wedding together in a month or two without much drama, but if I do get married again, I feel fortunate to have gotten all the dress/flowers/ring concerns out of the way. All girls need to. I got to have a really fun and beautiful wedding day, and thus, feel a bit more relaxed and easy-going about my next potential wedding. 

     One of my favorite things to come out of my years with Richard is that I've given up trying to fix or change people. I don't know if it's because I tried so hard to change him, (unsuccessfully of course) that I exhausted myself, or if it's just that I've become more evolved, but I used to spend a lot of time and energy on that stuff. Now I don't. I love friends and family just the way they are, and the way they are not. I find grace and compassion for imperfections and struggles, instead of judgment. 

    I guess one way of putting it is that my first husband didn't give me everything I ever wanted on a silver platter, but instead empowered me to create and manifest everything I ever wanted for myself, and that is way cooler...

 

Comments

[Barbee Bunker]

Marika,
We almost met. Richie came to Seattle n we had lunch, after the 2 of you had left,he called to say he wanted me to know he was getting married and had wanted me to meet you while in Seattle but chickened out. I didn’t want to miss out on letting you know how happy I was for you both. May our paths cross at some juncture and be able to know one another. Shine on
Barbee Bunker

[Sonia]

"my first husband didn't give me everything I ever wanted on a silver platter, but instead empowered me to create and manifest everything I ever wanted for myself"

Thank you for this.

[Michelle]

Marika, we were in Costa Rica with you in a wisdom course. You were married at that time. Love and light, thank you for sharing this. Michelle

[David Goldsmith]

I'm just so devastated to hear this I can't take another loss of a brother from another mother.
I had my 50th birthday 40th Maybe 30th at his restaurant and bar and Club in Venice which was just one of the best birthdays of my life that Romi produced a Day long celebration for me from breakfast to a tennis tournament to his the night club of birthday celebration and he was always just you know fun to be with I'm sure you had something to do with Romi me getting together, she was A Werner girl.. and I had to qualify was one of the trainers Richard helped Coach me on empty and meaningless. I will miss you my brother

[jackie]

Powerful.

[diane merrick]

DARLING MARIKA....I AM SO INSPIRED BY YOUR RENDITION OF YOUR MARRIAGE...I WAS THERE FROM BEGINING TO END AND I HAVE GREAT RESPECT FOR YOU AND RICHARD AND HOW YOU HANDLED YOUR LIVES.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING....DIANE

[daveszamet]

M,

That was a well written and emotionally balanced story. I felt the ups and downs. The sad and happy. Thank you for sharing so openly.

Dave

[Maya Einziger]

well said (written).

[hollywood housewife]

I loved reading this. I can feel the complicated emotions in every sentence.

[leslie]

beautifully done.

[hailey pahoa]

wow. Im so proud of you. That was big. I loved reading every moment though. So inspiring.